The 3Cs Digest #6: How I Got Connection So Wrong for So Long
When I began brainstorming episode ideas for my podcast, Seeking the Overlap earlier this year, I thought I had a pretty good idea of the trajectory for the show. I knew that I wanted to have an additional channel to teach my community not just why they should connect with others, but how to do that, so I got to work reaching out to potential guests who are thought leaders in the connection space.
While I assumed that I would learn a thing or two about connection from conducting these interviews, what I didn't expect was how drastically my perspective on connection would shift. As I began interviewing guests, it quickly became clear that I had been missing a crucial step in the connection process - connection with self.
Not only had I skipped right over the integral work of figuring out who I was today (not 20 years ago) before rushing out to meet new people, two nefarious elements were hindering my ability to form deep connections:
Perfectionism and people-pleasing.
For the bulk of my life, I operated from an incorrect assumption that to build relationships with others, I needed to shape-shift into someone they'd like. I've always been good at reading people and quickly identifying the language they prefer to speak in, then adapting my external to meet their expectations.
I attempted connection after connection throughout my life, manipulating myself and adapting my appeal to fit whoever was the target of my affection be it in a friendship, romantic, or professional capacity.
I kept going this way because frankly, it worked. I made friends, I got asked out, and I landed the gig. But at what cost?
The cost, I see now, was my authenticity and true connection with myself. That, my friends, was the missing piece.
By bending over backward and performing personality illusions for others, I completely missed who I was. I didn't have my own likes and dislikes, I was simply a mirror for the people I so desperately wanted to be in connection with.
The most insidious form it ever took was in my perfectionism, also known as my deep desire to receive external validation from those I deemed wiser, cooler, or more powerful than me. I never allowed myself to be imperfect, have flaws that others could see, or accept failure as an option.
What I know now is that it's in those imperfections, flaws, and failures that the opportunity for true connection exists. People don't want perfect - they want a person. It's our messy humanness that endears us to others because we see our own humanity reflected back to us.
I would love to tell you that now that I understand this to be true I never hesitate to show up as my full, truthful, imperfect self, but alas, I am still human after all. But I try, and that's all any of us can really do.
But when I do manage to let my naked humanity show, the connections I form are deeper and more tangible than any I was ever able to make before. The people I connect with now benefit from my uncovering and introspection and self-love, which will hopefully offer them the permission to do the same.
Your mission (should you choose to accept it):
The next time you're having a conversation with someone, be it with a potential new friend or an old acquaintance, try dropping any lingering perfectionism or people-pleasing tendencies and let them see a more authentic version of you. I know the fear of rejection is terrifying, but the opportunity to be seen and accepted for who you really are is worth it, I promise.
Want some 1:1 support in making a plan for building, nurturing, and leveraging relationships in your career and life? Book a 90-minute 3Cs Strategy Session with me!
Curate Community
Does “networking” give you the ick? Try reframing it as “relationship building”.
Instead of seeing networking as a transactional exchange of business cards or titles, approach it with the mindset that you're uncovering a future friend. When you walk into a room or connect with new people online, focus on getting to know people beyond their roles. Shifting your intention from "networking" to "relationship building" instantly makes the experience feel more meaningful and less intimidating, leading to deeper, more authentic connections.
Cultivate Connection
Feeling disconnected in your relationships? It could be that you're not fully present.
The next time you're in conversation with someone, focus on being fully present—both in body and mind. Instead of thinking about what you're going to say next or what you're going to have for dinner that night, practice embodiment by tuning into the moment and truly listening. This helps you stay grounded and connect more authentically, allowing for a deeper and more meaningful interaction.
Catalyze Collaboration
Afraid of seeming needy when you ask for help? Lead with curiosity and offer value first.
When reaching out to someone to ask for support, start by reconnecting and showing interest in what they're up to. Build rapport before making an ask, and then be specific and clear about what you're looking for. By making it easy for others to help you and approaching the conversation with authenticity, you're more likely to get a positive response—and make the process feel mutually beneficial rather than transactional.
The show where we're creating a more connected world, one conversation at a time. Subscribe on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, YouTube, or wherever you get your podcasts.
I officially launched the Seeking the Overlap podcast one month ago today, which means there are now 6 episodes ready for your listening pleasure!
The first 7 episodes of season 1 focus on self-connection, highlighting its foundational role in building meaningful relationships. We've been exploring how embracing authenticity, overcoming social barriers, and practicing presence can transform our connections with ourselves and others, ultimately enhancing our well-being and fostering deeper bonds.
If you're enjoying the show so far, I'd love to hear what you think! And if you're feeling really generous, please consider leaving a rating and review to help new listeners discover the podcast. (Here's how)
New Episodes
Ep 3: The Life-Saving Power of Social Connections (9/22/24)
On episode 3, I explore the life-or-death importance of social connection with science writer and author of “The Laws of Connection”, David Robson.
We discussed:
The Liking Gap and how it affects connection-building
The link between social bonds and physical health
Overcoming shyness and social awkwardness in relationships
The power of vulnerability in strengthening trust
Balancing empathy and self-disclosure in conversations
Ep 4: Strengthening Your Relationships from the Inside Out (9/29/24)
On episode 4, I discuss the importance of self-connection as the foundation for meaningful relationships with mental health therapist Jazzmyn Proctor.
We discussed:
The significance of deepening the internal relationship with oneself
The influence of internal dialogue on external relationships
How to evaluate and prune existing relationships
Actionable tips for self-reflection and embracing new hobbies
Maintaining balanced relationships as you evolve throughout your life
Ep 5: Letting Go of Perfectionism to Build Authentic Relationships (10/6/24)
On episode 5, I chat about how letting go of perfectionism can lead to more authentic relationships with Connection Consultant, Author, and TEDx speaker, Richard Lee-Thai.
We discussed:
Building confidence and social fitness for introverts
Using the fear ladder to step outside comfort zones
Leveraging personal interests and asking for help in networking
Self-connection and self-acceptance as networking foundations
Embracing authenticity, self-compassion, and imperfection
Ep 6: Turning Disconnection into Connection by Practicing Presence (10/13/24)
On episode 6, I explore the concept of embodiment and how it can transform the way we connect with ourselves and others with embodiment coach Sophie Allison.
We discussed:
What embodiment is and how it contrasts with disassociation
Enhancing relationships through the power of presence
Practicing breathwork and grounding exercises to stay present
Balancing giving and receiving to foster healthy relationships
Embracing vulnerability to build emotional support within a community
A roundup of the books, podcast episodes, tools, events, and resources I've been enjoying that I want to share with you!
The Art of Professional Friendship: How to Build Meaningful Connections in Life and Work
In my interview with Erin Kennedy on The Office Latte Podcast, I dove into the origins of my title, "Professional Friend Maker" and how the 3C's—Community, Connection, and Collaboration—have shaped both my career and personal life. We also chatted about practical strategies for building authentic relationships on LinkedIn and beyond, and how to approach new connections without the overwhelm. (Listen or watch)
Leverage Networking to “Future Proof” Your Career
Earlier this summer, I joined Career Coach Jess Wass and Performance Coach Ashley Rudolph on a panel where we shared actionable strategies for building, nurturing, and leveraging your network to “future-proof” your career. We discussed how to reframe networking as relationship-building and explored simple ways to integrate it into your busy life. Regardless of whether you're an introvert or extrovert, if you're looking to unlock new opportunities and grow in your career, this session was packed with insights you can put into practice right away. (Watch)
Here's what's been inspiring me lately ✨
Building Connection Amongst Retreat Attendees
In one of Becky Pierson Davidson's recent newsletters, she shared her experience attending a retreat that led to her forming deep connections with fellow attendees, and what those specific intentional touch points were that facilitated those connections. For anyone who organizes events of any size, this is a must-read. (Read)
Convenings, Cohorts + Communities: Notes on so-called "impact" gatherings
Written by Renee Lertzman, PhD, This whole article was a fantastic read, but my favorite tip was
#5: People want and need less “content” and more (and deeper) quality interactions which recommends splitting event attendees into groups of 3-5 and enabling them to meet before and throughout the event which allows for deeper connections and thoughtful processing of ideas within the larger group setting. (Read)The Ultimate Guide To Leveraging Your Presence In Other Communities For Business Growth
In this article from Community Building expert Bri Leever, she talks about how to best show up as a member of various communities to get new eyes on your business, nurture existing relationships, and ultimately convert new clients or customers, which is exactly what she did for her recent podcast and community launch. (Read)
I might be biased, but the people in my community are absolutely the best, so allow me to introduce you to some of them! Here's everyone I connected with virtually and IRL since the last Digest. Reply to this email if you'd like an introduction to any of them!
️Kevin Monroe is a Gratitude Infusion Strategist + Culture Transformation Specialist who is devoted to expressing, igniting, and infusing gratitude and appreciation into the workplace at his Gratitude Consulting company. I met Kevin in the chat at the last Covve Connection Crew event and we grabbed a virtual coffee not long after to get to know one another.
️Luetrell Toler's expertise is in talent acquisition, customized training solutions, and management consulting and he works with both start-up's and established organizations to identify, recruit, and deliver difference-making talent. I've known Luetrell since early 2014 when I organized the classes, workshops, and events for General Assembly LA, and we recently reconnected to see how we might be able to collaborate in the latest iteration of our businesses. Stay tuned for more on that!
Amy Clanin is the Founder, Executive Director, and Learning Experience Designer at Design Pathways where she works with organizations dedicated to combating climate change, deforestation, and biodiversity loss in Latin America, Africa, Asia, Oceania, and beyond. Amy and I were paired up at the last Covve Connection Crew event and we both wanted more time to get to know one another, so we did just that a couple of weeks later.
Camara Rauen is a Speaker, Producer, Consultant, and Workshop Facilitator for podcast content as well as a change agent and advocate for shifting mental health dialogue from stigma to strength, promoting opportunities for personal transformation. I met Camera at the start of 2024 when we were touring the new Groundfloor space. We grab coffee every few months to hear what the other's working on to see how we can support one another.
As always, thank you for reading what I know is a very lengthy, jam-packed newsletter. I put a ton of love and effort into curating the best tips, resources, and insights related to The 3Cs with the hope that it enables you to more easily build community, connect deeply, and collaborate with the people in your world. I can think of no greater purpose than helping my community feel just a little more connected, one email and podcast episode at a time.
Oh, and in case you missed the announcement, I decided to switch these digests to a monthly release instead of bi-weekly to lighten the workload that comes with creating each issue. One of the best parts of running my own business is choosing how to spend my time and attention. If I'm not consistently checking in to ensure my energy is being used wisely, then what's the point of being my own boss?
And with that, I'll see you back here in your inbox on November 15th!
PS - Here's my question for you this week:
Which is the most challenging part of networking for you?
Meeting new people
Maintaining relationships
Leveraging your connections
(Answer in the comments, or go weigh in here!)
